Month: April 2015

This article will maybe seem paradoxical to you because the blogs of seduction usually teach how to be successful with women. And that’s it. But Diary is different : here we talk about gender relations as a whole.

Let’s say that there are two opposite: the guy who has NO success with the gentle sex (the naïve and full of illusions beginner), and the one who has TOO MUCH success. It is against this extreme that I am going to warn you today.

 

NO SUCCESS VS TOO MUCH SUCCESS

 

Some time ago, to compensate for studies that did not fascinate me much, I started to sleep with more than a reasonable amount of women. On average, more than 2 new women / a month… performance having risen several times until reaching 4 or 5, if you want to know everything. But that’s not a glorious thing (I’m not a kid). And it is what I am going to explain now. The act in itself interests me but has never been an end in itself for me. Especially that I had ventured into the study of the seduction above all by passion for psychology (and to become expert in gender relations).

Too many people believe that my purpose is just to screw girls as a manic (and to boast). No, my purpose is to reconcile both sexes. I still read too many bullshit like “the guys don’t understand us, they take us for bags of meat” or “I am going to teach you how to seduce girls, but not the cheap girls, not the girls you can fuck in 5 minutes in the bathroom of a restaurant”. These people there are or too feminist or too misogynous in their statements to glimpse the beginning of a reality (the truth is situated between these two faiths, beyond the prejudices of each sex). The first ones wants to look pure and innocent to make guys feel guilty (while I saw a lot of girls loving sex more than me), and the second did not understand that sometimes even the good girls practice quick sex, that does not mean they are whores nor easy nymphomaniacs, just that they found an alpha who turned them on enough and who tempted them to live something out of the ordinary (those who criticize this kind of girls are often guys who do not manage to make them do that, then they point them because they grumble as bastards). It is good sometimes… And no, that does not make of us nests for STD (I have no STD then you do not risk much if you protect yourself).

Some people fall into the seduction community to cover an emotional deficit, others to compensate for a complex or because they think that they will be one day able to seduce ALL the girls, etc. No matter what led you here, know that by working hard you will have results but you will sometimes feel a little bit tired. The girls will follow one another in your bed but it will not satisfy you. There is, indeed, a distinction to be operated between the need for conquest, for sexual diversity (the desire for sex) and the peace with yourself, with women (the need for affection – cf. my book The (inconvenient) truth about gender relations). I develop.

What you desired so ardently (becoming a Casanova) will not make you happy. You will kiss, will penetrate, will enjoy, all this yes (and it is already good, at least, better than most of guys). Reaching happiness, no. You will never be able to seduce ANY girl (or even a 80 % quota sorry), but it is not a reason live as a couple with any girl. You would eventually go off the rails, be disgusted by the “couple” and return to hunting with a multiplied tenfold appetite. And with a bad energy.

If you belong to the class of the seducers-collectors, maybe you should think of seducing BETTER. Of seducing only special girls, even if it means missing girls who would have satisfied you only for night but that you didn’t like much. On the other hand, if you slept with less than 15 women in your life, do not use as excuse “most of the girls are not hot enough for me/they do not excite me” to justify your inactivity. A naked woman excites a man (and vice versa): it is the law of nature. If you recognized yourself, it is necessary to put aside your pride, to move your ass to integrate notions of the Game and cut you teeth with HB6/7 to be capable of daring when a HB8/9 will cross your way (brainless silly bitches do not count). However, if your reasoning is the following one “at first I want to sleep with a lot of women, and then I shall stay with the one who will have caught my attention”, be wary too. To keep some value with the opposed sex, you have to be a minimum demanding. Otherwise, you will not be credible any more… a girl wants to know that when she sleeps with a guy it is because he really likes her, not because it is a mentally ill person who fucks everything that can get wet.

 

ABUNDANCE VS SEXUAL SATISFACTION

 

Certain animals (like goldfish) do not know the sensation of satisfaction. They can thus stuff until they burst. It is not a manufacturing defect it is just that, in their natural environment, this situation of abundance of food never occurs. It was thus convenient to equip them with an appetite ceaselessly alert so that they miss no opportunity to make reservations.

A few years ago, I had read the atypical story of a guinea pig, it had managed the exploit to escape from its enclosure and to penetrate into the one of the females. It coupled with around thirty females and returned so exhausted by its expedition that it slept during two days in a row, touching the death of fatigue. It stuck with me.

Let’s return to human beings. The situation of sexual abundance can occur when you master the Game. But the skillful natural, the celebrity, the porn actor, the guy who masturbates on Daredorm all day long are also outside the norm. It is a relatively modern phenomenon: the liberation of morals, the condoms, the contraceptive pills, the increase of urban populations, the advent of Internet and sex on television are so many factors that confront us with circumstances for which our brain is not prepared.  We are not programmed to live in this environment. Like goldfish in front of food, our instinct urges us to take advantage of a maximum of opportunities of mating. We can then be tempted to go too far, at the expense of our own physical and mental health.

This is the way we manage to fuck girls not hot nor interesting because « that should not be wasted! » It can become compulsive. Then it is true that any relatively cute girl can provoke drives. She makes guys fantasize in the subway, in the street, in clubs, etc. Some people masturbate certainly by thinking of her right now or in any case would like to fuck her. As a result, if you have the opportunity to fuck her, it would be disrespecting them to miss the opportunity. It is a point of view that is understandable… It was mine for a long time. It is shocking but it is the purest expression of our primitive instinct. As for me, when I was younger and even now to a lesser extent, I believed for a long time that I would not last long. Then I had decided to burn out my life. To enjoy. Carpe diem. It is an antique philosophy but that has the merit to be rational when you seriously think about it.

In a situation of profusion and thus of stimulation, we also feel peaks of dopamine that can engender a phenomenon of habituation (we shall thus ceaselessly need stronger and more frequent doses). You thus have to cross this stage at the risk of becoming sex-addict.

 

“I CAN GET NO SATISFACTION”

 

If Mick Jagger (knighted by Prince Charles, rich, famous, wanted by thousands of groupies) does not manage to feel satisfied, how the common run of people would ?

This chronic non-satisfaction is understandable by the phenomenon of habituation about which we spoke just now (gradual decrease of the intensity and the frequency of appearance of a hormonal answer further to the repeated or prolonged exposure to the stimulus having activated it). Those who listened in economy class will recognize Ricardo’s law of diminishing returns (from a certain threshold, every additional unit produces a yield (here a marginal satisfaction) lower than the previous one).

If you lived his life for one night, or if you won at the bingo tomorrow, then there yeah you would enjoy like crazy (especially if you are poor and asexual at the moment). Indeed, the felt satisfaction is a function of our past experiences. But if you lived in the wealthiness during three years: you would quickly return to your initial level of felt happiness (even if you had fucked 100 girls or bought one Porsche and a villa in Saint-Tropez in the meantime). Worse, if you then found yourself unexpectedly without girl or without money, you would go crazy.

It can seem depressing but needs to see the good side of the process: if you became suddenly blind in one eye, well, you would learn how to live with and would return sooner or later to a correct level of well-being.

 

SO… NOTHING CAN MAKE ME DURABLY HAPPIER THAN I AM TODAY?

 

We have all certain capacities to be happy. Some have a temperament of naysayers: they grumble even when the weather is beautiful. Others see the charm of rainy day. I believe that it is the way you perceive little gifts, small enjoyments of the everyday life and not the focus on your big problems that will make you more certainly happy than millions on your bank account (even if I would like to have this money for the safety and the comfort which it gives).

The art of being positive is taught by the everyday life: the excesses will lead you inevitably to the existential suffering. Do not thus always try to go « higher, stronger, faster ». This Olympic slogan would make you pass next to the essential things of life and would make you a sick person.

If we come back to seduction now : integrate the other one into his/her complexity. The search for happiness is easier with someone else. When I reread this sentence, I am a little whinger then I am going to compensate. It is my errors, my excesses and my wanderings that taught me the virtues of balance. I would even say that they are a part of it, to a lesser extent. I have the head full of memories and almost no regret. I even regret nothing linked to the Game because it did not impact negatively on my private life (I did not take delay in my studies, did not cut off from my childhood friends, etc.). You should all the same put things in perspective and stand back on your life. Seduction is not an end in itself, very rare are the ones who manage to make it become their job (most of the time, not the best, moreover). Seduction does not thus have to impact negatively on the other aspects of your life, in particular your professional life.

Being a man implies some responsibilities (it is enough to see how finishes Ashton Kutcher in Spread to understand that being able to seduce is not enough to be happy nor to succeed). And not only mastering the art of cunnilingus.

Keep all the same in mind that excesses (too much or not enough) are fatal for the human being. The problem is that everybody has his/her own definition of these terms. Even more when it comes to sex. We really have no reliable marks… I’d like to finish this article on an existential question: are we really made to be happy?

Jealousy is a powerful emotion that crashes our most unhealthy open relations and establishes a conflicting climate convenient to headaches. Well, let’s get serious: do not err on the side of excess of certainty about jealousy and read this article if you want to better understand this phenomenon …

Jealousy, what is it ? Why does it exist ?

The jealousy can be summarized in thoughts and negative feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety concerning an anticipated loss. It is a childish emotion, we can feel it since we’re 6 months old. Jealousy is a mixture of feelings as anger, sadness, frustration and disgust. This jealousy can be caused by already lived experiences, thoughts, perceptions, memories, but also by the imagination or by the fact of raising questions. The jealousy must not be confused with the desire (envy).

The shape of jealousy that interests us on this blog is the emotion connected to reproduction: the one that assures the sustainability and the stability of unions, but also protection and subsistence to children. A “reasonable” jealousy (that’s the thing : you should not too much piss off the other one with that) can be thus considered as the cement of a couple*…

* Let’s study now the results of a study led by Eugene Mathes from the University of Illinois. A questionnaire was distributed to lovers and, seven years later, those same couples agreed to answer other questions. The 25 % having decided to live together/to get married are the ones whose initial score of jealousy was high. The 75 % having broken up meanwhile had initially reported a lower score of jealousy.

Know that jealousy is universal: studies showed that it expresses all around the world (well except maybe in partner-swapping clubs) with the same intensity (but not always for the same reasons). Then, where is situated the healthy and acceptable border? What’s to be done when it becomes a poison?

The fatal consequences of jealousy

Most of the guys have difficulty in being faithful but are jealous all the same… For proof, 68 % of the American students of first cycle have already cheated on their friend by kissing another one, 49 % by fucking another one (Wiederman, Hurd, 1999). Let’s specify for information that the girls are not exempt from jealousy nor always faithful either (blowing is cheating?) The authors were also bewildered by the proportion of people who do not even image the existence of an alternative to monogamy. Finally, concerning young students in couple, 1/3 admit that jealousy is a problem. Whether it is: suffering from the jealousy of somebody else or being jealous.

Overcoming jealousy

« You suffocate me, you are too jealous, I’m leaving you / If you do not show yourself jealous, it is because you do not love me, I’m leaving you ». True story. It is a little a dead end thus, this story of jealousy. But we can wonder: what is the really “natural” part, the cultural part and the strategic part of jealousy?

A Hungarian can tolerate to see his partner flirting with another one whereas a Yugoslav just can’t. Paradoxically, the latter will grant less importance for some extramarital kisses while the Hungarian will see an unforgivable insult there (Buunk, Hupka, 1987). Similar facts thus provoke different reactions depending on the countries: jealousy is thus more cultural than biological. Don’t be sheeps: think for yourself. What is your real opinion on jealousy?

By the way, I have a question. If your girlfriend cheated you, who would you blame? The guy who did nothing else than following his instinct or your girlfriend who knew perfectly what she was doing? Your answer will say a lot about you : your level of confidence and your objectivity. If you decide to smash the face to the other guy, I pity you because it is unfair (unless the other one knew that she was your girlfriend and wanted to hurt you personally)… Best is thus to stay away from the girls of others and to don’t share them too much with your buddies (jealousy can also damage friendship).

Swingers, libertines, etc. knew how to overcome the stage of jealousy. Without falling in these excesses, as for myself, I like very much the open relationships. At least, at the beginning. Indeed, some people know each other for 10 days, kissed each other 3 times and are jealous as if their life depended on it. It is here that there is a problem. I wonder where does this need that one the 16-year-old young teenager has to be “in a relationship” at all costs comes from. Certainly a need for validation, they too much saw it in TV shows, or need to be reassured, or they don’t want to get tired then content themselves with easy sex (when they do it). But it is another debate (it certainly has something to do+- with the vision of happiness the society inculcates). I always advise to begin by hanging out together at least 3 months, by flirting of course, before declaring yourself in couple. I think that anybody normally constituted then feels jealousy when he/she cares for somebody (even if exceptions probably exist like for everything). It is thus understandable in the case of true love. But in this case, it is not necessary even if it may be cute. From a point of view more down-to-earth, it is understandable if we invested a lot in the other one (money or time or IDK what else).

The loving jealousy cannot be born if the partners have a relationship based on trust (but this notion remains subjective depending on the jealous individuals, according to previous traumas, etc.). Jealousy is all the more important as the jealous person has the feeling that his/her psychological balance rests on the fact of being with the wished person : Jealousy is thus a problem of attachment proper to the jealous person who needs to be reassured, or eventhe feeling can be, rightly or wrongly, based on the imagination. It should be noted that the jealous individual generally repeats the same patterns with all the partners. The jealous individual can then be mousy in the couple: he tries to possess his/her partner at all costs and, to avoid losing him/her, rarely puts itself in opposition by accepting compromises. But this behavior can then strengthen the feeling of insecurity in particular when the partner keeps a freedom outside of the couple, the jealous person not becoming any more the unique beneficiary of a partner. The jealous individual feels freed from his jealousy only when he spends time with his/her only partner, what eventually compromises the freedom of the partner, who can feel frustration meanwhile.

Some people say that jealousy is related to the notion of self-confidence. The less you are self-confident and the more you are easily jealous, because you think that your girl can leave with the other one (that anyone can be better than you). If you want to play the role of the alpha male, then silence your jealousy when it is disproportionate. Attention thus to don’t annoy your partner with that if you are in an open-relationship. In this case, make her rather addicted to you by fucking her a lot and well (her rate of ocytocin will rise and she will like very much you all the more)

The complacency about the maintain this feeling of jealousy comes from the fact that the existence of the obstacle (the rival) strengthen the value of the object of the rivalry. Jealousy can be a strategy so that a target realizes that she likes you. But it is an operation to be made with precaution: to make a girl feel healthily jealous, it must be suggested and not ostentatious (do not kiss girls in front of her at the risk of blocking her).

Jealousy, source of power

It is about a triangular relation like Foucault described, it brings in the jealous person, the partner and a third:
– When we “make” someone jealous it is that we committed a fault. We are thus responsible for repairing the insult. This is why some people oblige their partners to don’t see any more their friends, or to show them their text messages, etc. Would you hire a detective to investigate into the past of your best friend? It would be weird… Well, in a mono-normative society and within the framework of a love relation, this behavior is tolerated. THE SUSPECT THUS HAS TO SEEK FORGIVENESS EVEN IF HE DID NOTHING WRONG. FUCK.
– MECHANISM OF RESISTANCE: we can invert the relation of power by accusing the jealous person of being excessive, extreme, unreasonable. We so fuck his/her arguments. To be won : more freedom. For a good or a bad use.
– MAKING THE OTHER JEALOUS TO SEE IF THE COUPLE IS STABLE : Without necessarily committing any “fault” but just by sowing seeds “to see”. Preventive Resistance. Who said that attack is the best form of defense? It is a little pervert all the same.

According to Eric Berne, jealousy combines the conditions so that both partners are engaged in small psychological games that always hurt at least one of the participants. He considers them as toxins because damage the ambient well-being. True, sincere, authentic and spontaneous contacts that the author calls “Intimacy” would obviously be preferable. However, this intimacy as awesome as it can be, is perceived as difficult to create and dangerous because put people in front-line without calculation nor protection there. It is the big problem for people who “do not want” to fall in love: the emotional vulnerability can cause big damages, especially in case of disappointment, like depressions.

The jealousy occurs within the framework of a triangular relation (what differentiates it from desire or envy), when somebody considers that the second individual behaves for a third in a way that threatens according to him the relation of the couple and more particularly his or her place in the couple. The jealous person conceives from it resentment, reproaches, doubts, that he sends to the face of the two others, with generally a focus on the second person. The essence of the jealous behavior does not lie in this concern, sometimes imaginary, for the couple, nor in the fact of acting, but in the excessive emotional intensity that accompanies it and that compromises the success of this action. The consequences can damage the balance and the communication in the couple, jealous persons sometimes expressing their ownership in a permanent, excessive, exclusive or recurring way that often represents a sick jealousy. So, jealousy is a shape of possessive paranoia. It is sometimes linked to violent behavior: jealousy is evoked in more than 50 % of the cases of domestic violence. It is also at the origin of diverse abuse: insults, harassments… without talking about crimes of passion. All this sometimes coming from people who seemed totally “normal” and “well-adjusted”.

Roughly, this part of us is frightening… then let’s end on a positive note: some sex therapists explain that jealousy, in a reasonable dimension, can have a positive impact on the sexual function and the satisfaction. Studies demonstrate that jealousy can increase the passion of the two partners as well as their sexual pleasure.