Category: Love

Romantic love has never been so important in the minds of human beings. Today there is no need to worry about hunting every day, so it is possible to spend a lot of time and energy finding “the love of your life”. So we will now go over 5 popular theories about love.

 

1/ Love lasts 3 years

We owe the popularity of this theory to the author with the radioactive chin, Frederic Beigbeder. He based it on the results of some researchers who showed that “love passion” can not last much longer than three years in most people.

Indeed, increased activity of certain hormones (such as oxytocin) affects a loving brain: they maintain it in a state conducive to illusions, which makes it possible not to see the defects of the other and to quickly create a feeling of intimacy with the lucky one… during enough time to conceive and raise a child.

“Passion-love”, the one in which the faults of the other are not seen, is therefore a program of nature, the object of which is to promote the reproduction and preservation of the species.

Indeed, once the baby is conceived, he must be protected. And in order to survive in the wilderness, the child needed both parents, because a parent alone could not both watch and host him, hunt and defend him against predators. And this genetic programming is still present in us, despite the progress of science and civilization, which are concepts too recent, and too precarious, with regard to evolution.

Of course, this does not mean that men and women are obliged to separate after three years: the affection, the desire or the need to be together may last longer…

 

2/ Love makes blind

This is a saying that we hear very often, especially when we introduce to our parents someone they do not find good enough for us.

The truth is that when you fall in love, the brain becomes addicted to an explosive cocktail of hormones. It then get upset: its capacity for judgment, discernment and critical thinking are no longer optimal.

However, I noticed by coaching guys that it is mainly the one-itis that makes blind… sometimes even stupid. That is, when a guy is not often successful with women, and suddenly a “correct” chick is interested in him, he can convince himself that she is perfect and that he is deeply in love… when in fact, it is simply an unhealthy obsession.

So it is not, in my opinion, only love that makes blind.

 

3/ The soul mate

The soul mate is a concept that evokes a love compatibility that would be perfect between two individuals. The expression, passed in the common language, has variable definitions which lead to the idea that these two individuals have the destiny of constituting a couple.

A theory of sister souls can be found in Plato’s Banquet: human beings, originally, would have been made up of four arms, four legs and a single head with two faces. Zeus, who feared their power, would have cut them in two, condemning them to spend the rest of their lives searching for the missing half.

But statistically, what would be the chance to meet your alter ego among the 7 billion human beings?

Moreover, researchers have even shown that the belief in the soul mate is detrimental to a lasting relationship: individuals who consider themselves being sister souls tend to be less satisfied when they think about conflicts within their couple. As a result, they tend to flee as soon as discords appear, convinced that they are not made for each other. Conversely, those who are willing to communicate and solve problems are more likely to live in happy relationships.

 

4/ Love is a social construction

We can find about love in many cultures and eras. However, it is not found everywhere (only in 90% of the cultures studied by researchers) nor all the time. Moreover, we do not love the same way in China and in Nicaragua: there is therefore no universal definition of love. In most Muslim and African countries, polygamy exists when it is very badly perceived in the West.

To reinforce the idea that love is a social construction, we must know that La Bruyère wrote “Most people would never fall in love if they had never heard of love.” Moreover, in Love and the West, Denis de Rougemont analyzes the myth and touches on the very essence of passion and romance… which allows us to understand how we got there today.

The notion of romantic love that most people without a critical mind have, and whose brain is nurtured in Hollywood comedies, is probably biased. In my opinion this does not help making them happy since life is not a movie… and the fact that not all people are Ryan Gosling nor Emma Stone can make it unpleasant. But it remains a beautiful urban legend.

 

5/ Love is in the meadow

For some people, no doubt, as the TV shows us sometimes.

But since most people live in cities, then love is on the street, in bars, on the Internet, at work, and so on.

 

Love passion exists in all cultures. It is the conception of love that differs from people to people.

In the “developed” countries, one bathes in a culture of influence: for example, one undergoes daily brainwashing through advertising. Advertising has the goal of making us want to buy by stimulating our desire. So there are ways to create a certain desire among people… and let’s not forget that the love passion is a great desire.

In France, the word “love” is used indifferently and the society tells us that we may be a loser, if we find love, we will be happy and will become a winner because love is the remedy for everything. But in Greek there are nuances which would be very useful to us. Philia, for example, is the love within the meaning of friendship. Eros, on the other hand, really refers to the passion of love: the passion that makes one feels a lack when not with the loved person, that makes one think he or she cannot live without the other one.

Advertising also tries to create a lack in us, and this gap would be filled of course by buying products and not by having sex (although in the pyramid of Maslow, one sees that sexuality is one of the main desires that allow blossom).

Freud said that sexuality is an impulse, but that society is constructed to prevent its fulfillment. But it has not always been the case! In some societies, like in Babylon, sexuality made civilization. Young girls from good families had the right to marry only after having made love with a foreign visitor (see Herodotus’ works). It is a different vision of sex because, in our case, we value the purity of the woman. And we even managed to persuade many women that this is what they want! In general, women adore the idea of ​​a sexually freed woman (like Samantha in Sex and the City), but only when it does not concern themselves.

We will start on the basis in this article that when we want to make someone fall in love, we talk about Eros. In any case, it seems to me to be the basis of everything because, among the Eros relations, some naturally become Philia.

So, how to trigger love?

In our modern culture, one would be tempted to say that a guy who makes people fall in love voluntarily is a manipulative bastard. For us, “it must happen all by itself”, it is “destiny” (and not a sheer coincidence) and there would be only one person out of the seven billion on Earth who would suit us.

On the other hand, sorcerers, shamans, marabouts, can create love (according to them). In India or Africa, it is normal to believe in spells or love potions, etc. If so many people believe that love can be triggered, I think there are things to be done!

However, loving passion is often seen in these cultures as a madness that metamorphoses, but not necessarily as something positive… rather like a madness in the wrong sense. In our culture, I think people want to “fall” in love because they dream of metamorphosing themselves or of filling a gap through love (lack often created by society itself). More and more people are atheists, leaving an extra gap… and those people try to fill their lack of gods by inventing gods who are not gods like famous footballers but feel a lack deep inside because they feel that something’s wrong).

In the old world, to make someone fall in love, one could:

1 / Use gods.

2 / Use objects such as the love apple, animated with blood or perfumes (depending on the recipe). Then one had to name people related by magic and seal the spell. Then, of course, make the target eat the apple.

And in the modern world, what to do to make someone fall in love?

1/ Promise the metamorphosis. So many women have told their psychoanalyst they were in love… it is because these guys promised them a change inside!

2/ Never say “I wish you want me”: do not be needy and avoid the one-itis. (For more explanations, see my book The basics of seduction!)

3/ One can use a go-between: like the monk in Romeo and Juliet who plays the matchmaker and suggests love to the two characters. What is powerful is to give birth to the idea of ​​the possibility of love. (Who said « hope » ?)

4/ Choose the moment: melancholic or sad people (such as after a bereavement) are more likely to fall in love… because they are in a phase of metamorphosis. They are weaker and have the desire to rebuild themselves, which makes them more receptive to the idea of ​​love.

5/ Summon the modern gods (in a church, mosque, synagogue, etc.) We no longer believe in these things in our cultures but they have already helped many people in history so these beliefs probably have an effective power.

6/ The Game: the community of seduction will allow you to become more alpha, to improve your communication and to be better in bed. This will cause more women to fall under your spell and will make them want to stay close to you through the attachment hormones released during orgasm. (If you are interested in this theory, read The (inconvenient) truth about gender relations.)

Women are afraid of being judged, are stressed at the idea of ​​meeting someone, are afraid that the guy is not a good lover, they are afraid of not being good enough in bed, fear of losing control, fear of being thought of as whores, are afraid of their “animal side”, etc. But if one deactivates these various obstacles and their social conditioning, one can easily get laid… and from there, make them fall in love.

Indeed, women can unconsciously force themselves to fall in love with the guys with whom they have slept because they are put under pressure by society (“you cannot sleep with too many guys because if you do so you’re a whore”). It is the principle of coherence that is at work here.

They can also force themselves to fall in love because of their genetic programming (before, when they slept with a guy, they risked 6 months of pregnancy so had to retain the man to have access to his resources). Since there is contraception: washed it can be used again… but this obsolete genetic programming is still working on us. (For more information, read Evopsy & Séduction!)