Should a girl sleep with a guy on the first date ?

This article was written by Virginie.

Should a girl sleep on the first date ? That is THE question. If you expect a definitive yes or no, you can already turn back. And do not consider as gospel truth everything I am about to write. What follows is my opinion, stemming from a personal reflection and from what I have learned in my studies of Psychology. Work and question this opinion.

I would like to take the problem the other way: why couldn’t we sleep on the first date? What are the risks ? To say it frankly, the girls would be thought of as unfaithful bitches with whom it is impossible to have a serious relation, guys for Don Juan who are irresistible and awesomely endowed. What a male chauvinist society ! And, exactly, here is the problem: the society.

Let’s develop just a little. A society it is, among others things, individuals who live in common. Yet, to do it, there must be a cohesion between people. Thus a control of their aggressiveness and their sexuality natural. This is where Culture comes in, sum of achievements thanks to which our life is different from the ones of our ancestors. So, this Culture uses all the possible means to federate the members by inhibiting their libido so that this libido is in the service of activities said “superior” (the sciences and the arts, for example).

In summary, the Man of Culture submits himself to limitations to live more or less in security. That is why hardly one century ago, only the sexual relations between married men and women were authorized. Since then, the mentalities a little evolved and the sexuality released itself. Thank you, May 68!

But, all the same, this disinhibition should not be too important. If each man could do whatever he wants, it would be a total chaos out there. Where from this ambient social pressure. It allows to keep the individuals under control & to manipulate them more easily. So, the one who goes away from the standard (implicit or explicit) is immediately labelled as deviant. This is why sleeping on the first date became a “not normal” behavior. Don’t you find all this very shocking? No ? And what if I told you that, now, creativity is considered as a mental illness? You write, play an instrument, draw or paint? Then you have a problem, you need a doctor! In any case, it is what certain psychiatrists would tell you. Another example : you eat healthily, by avoiding industrial products and by favoring the most natural ones? Then you suffer of “orthorexie” (French word), a very grave eating disorder because it makes the food-processing and the pharmaceutical industries lose money.

In brief, all this was to explain to you briefly where from comes this rule “not sleeping on the first date”. Thus, after the theory, let’s practice.

Concretely, I would say that it is just necessary to follow your instinct. By disregarding of “what people say”. The individuals tend to believe that all what they do is observed by the other people around them. An example: you fall in the street. First reflex (after putting your hands in front of you to don’t finish deformed): looking around to see the reaction of the passers-by. Appearance took so much importance that we forget of, simply, being. We have to respect rules, codes or bans on a daily basis. Then why not adducing a small bracket of pleasure by sleeping with this beautiful unknown with the dark look (or this inflammatory red-haired person with the sexy swayed hips) ? All right, we live more and more for a long time, but it is no reason to don’t take advantage of every moment of the life. But you should not either fall in the inverse excess, IE wanting at all costs to sleep at the first date and, as a result, put on yourself a fucking huge pressure (pressure which would prevent you from reaching your goal and would frustrate you).

Except social pressure, it is also necessary to take into account two other things: the religion and the STD. For some people, having sex before being married is a sin. Even if you do not share this point of view, respect it. And look for somebody else – unless you feel ready to wait or to get married quickly. As regards STD, the number of preconceived ideas is hallucinating all the same. What can be at the origin of certain reluctances. But it does not necessarily mean that there are no risks. Thus wear a condom it is fashion! (it was the advice of the day).

Roughly, indulge yourself and send the social pressure to hell (but not too much at the risk of frightening people around you, among whom is, maybe, your one true love). I know that it is easier to say than to do, that the fear of not being good enough is also part of the deal. If that can reassure you, it is for both sexes. But the more you will be accustomed to go out of your comfort zone, the less this anxiety will be strong and, even, will become a boost. However, the positive vizualisation, the meditation, the qi-gong (the yoga of Chinese, more “active”) can be ways to help you to manage this fear. And no need to spend fortunes, you will find videos and advices on the Internet.

Another point than I would like to approach: the difference man / woman. While for sir, having sex during the first evening is not generally a problem, it is more often a problem for madam. One of the explanations is to be found in the evolutionary psychology about which Fabrice has already spoken to you. Roughly: the purpose of life is to reproduce. This is why, before, the men made a maximum of women pregnant, because the infant mortality was important. This behavior continued to a certain extent until today. The women, once pregnant, were up to nine months of physical distortions, mood swings and abdominal pains. This is why they did not have to fail as for the choice of the father of their child. What explains, partially, the current attitude of the fair sex (even if we are not really conscious of it).

So, men and women do not approach sexuality in the same way – although things change and, sometimes, are reversed. Then, please, do not judge. The girl sleeps on the first date ? Or not ? Do not criticize her. On one hand, that would not change things and, on the other hand, that even risks to worsen them. Do not forget, either, that everybody does not manage to overcome his or her social pressure. Then if your target refuses to sleep that same night, do not delete her from your list at once (Well, if after 3-4 dates she always keeps you waiting by using phony excuses while using you to go to the restaurant or to the movies, next her, do not be masochistic! Especially that the sexual compatibility plays an important role in the life of a couple).

Little particular case: the first times (male or feminine). If the person you like never did it, it is more understandable, I think, that he or she does not want to sleep at the first date. For example, as for me, I felt ready only at the end of the third date. Nevertheless God knows that, physically, I wanted it. But, psychologically, I was not in the same point there. And it is, partially, because I did not feel judged nor oppressed that I was able to take the plunge. Thus, at the risk of repeating myself, do not judge!

A last thing before leaving you alone: I do not think that sleeping the first evening could put a stop to a more serious relation. Because you are not in the judgment (I hammer the nail again a little, repetition is the key of memorization), you do not consider the girl who acts so as a bitch but as somebody who enjoys life. This nuance in your way of seeing things would change everything. Personally, it doesn’t bother me to sleep at the first meeting. That makes save time (it would be a pity to realize after three restaurants and two movies that, in the bed, that doesn’t match). Then it is a great way to break the ice. Once the other one saw us naked, there is no reason anymore to hide behind masks. Well, it is not a reason to tell your whole life, keep a little of mystery!

Ah and another last thing: as for the blowjob, my opinion is the same. In an ideal world, practising it the first night is not unhealthy or I-don’t-know-what-else. But we do not live in such a world and the social pressure, the faiths or the values are so many obstacles to its practice. It’s up to you to try to reduce the fears and the guilt your target could feel. Be conscious that all the girls do not think like me. Thus be lenient on my congeners – but don’t be a doormat either.

Well. If you want to know more about the “theoretical” part of it (or how the life in society builds itself on sexual renunciation), I advise to you The Uneasiness in Culture, by Freud. He said quite a lot of bullshit in his life but also, sometimes, intelligent things. This book is one of his good works, in my opinion.

Also, if you have questions, suggestions or criticism, do not hesitate to leave a comment, I would answer with pleasure.

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