Far from me the pretense of taking an imperious tone in this article because we will address the issue of amorous exclusivity.
After all, everyone does what he/she wants. But to do as you want, it is still necessary to know what choices are really available to us. Otherwise, it’s not a choice.
Note that I do not know what you think but for me, a relationship that works is simply a relationship that contributes to the welfare of the two protagonists.
Recent social changes
Let’s start by making an inventory of recent social developments in the loving commitment.
I just want to shake here and some preconceived ideas so that everyone can live either love as an exclusive assumed choice and not a default choice, or love as an assumed uninhibited and honest foraging. I’m not here to judge but to think and make people think.
The Basics: If one takes the point of view of evolution, men and women are similar and complementary 45/46 sexual similar chromosomes. However, sexual behavior have differences that are necessary for the survival of the species.
More recently: There are still a few decades, it was unthinkable for our ancestors that women are elected at the head of companies or governments … but progress in gender equality have changed that. Now one of the criteria for choosing a wife may be her ambition, her future career, salary, intelligence, etc. What was before rather a criteria for women to choose a husband.
Men have thus lost a part of their identity, their authority, and women are sometimes in search of virile men (although men are also lacking in women because many girls adopt more masculine attitudes).
Note: It is common knowledge that some women who have important positions behave in an authoritarian manner with their underlings but need to go out with a man who will take the initiative, dominate her a little, challenge her, and make her enjoy in the bed.
Currently: Men and women are a little bit lost in seduction. What they want consciously and what their instinct wants is not really in tune.
Therefore, in forty years, the number of single people has more than doubled (INSEE figures). More than 15 million in France… for an average of 18% in the European Union.
Women are slightly more concerned with celibacy than men (53% against 43%).
Many singles have previously been married and/or have dependent children, making difficult the organization of a new couple.
Over 50% of the singles would be single for more than three years.
40% of them, assume very well the fact of living alone.
The number of sexual partners reported by women is increasing, while it remained stable for men.
Changing attitudes about sex is a factor in the rise of Internet pornography.
The couple have a little more sex than before.
Different types of love
There is physical love: physical attraction first. The problem is that everything is based on beauty.
There is playful love: love is a game, the meetings multiply. The problem is the shallowness of the relationship and the possible fear of commitment behind it.
There’s the friendly love, it’s when friendship turns into love. Love without fever or madness.
The passionate love, it is the mixture between playful love and physical love. It is people with low self-esteem who imagine a future marriage at the first meeting. They al the time need proofs of love.
The pragmatic love is the mix between playful love and friendly. It is a relationship a little down-to-earth, but if it works, the results will be waiting for you: it works with a logic of meetings based on profitability costs/benefits.
Disinterested love is the mix between physical love and friendly love. Here love takes a spiritual dimension: one sacrifices for the other one!
What does not work
The narcissistic love, those who idealize their partner, mutual adoration… it cannot function because to love others you must love yourself. A dose of narcissism is essential.
The virtual love, geographic separation … it’s dangerous because when they meet, the fantastical dimension tends to disappear.
The unrequited love, the more the other is out of reach, the more we want him/her. “I would be happy if…” We suffer here and most of the time eventually derail…
The triangular relationship, such as with a woman for the breast side and a mistress for the sexual side. Or we go out with a and like his brother in secret. The third person is often sacrificed after damaging the basic relationship.
Forbidden love … like a teacher with a student. Here, we love the danger as much as the person. But if we remove barriers, love often disappears. Don’t fool yourself!
Solutions that are available to us :
– Monogamy: fidelity is associated with exclusivity. The benefits are emotional stability and management of jealousy. Moreover, it is easy to find someone looking for this type of relationship, since it is the most common. However, in practice, there is often sprains to the contract.
– The debauchery: it is when we add others to the couple’s love games. But the feeling of love is for one person and parallel relationships are not accepted. However, in reality, it is still possible to desire someone else …
– The open relationship: here extramarital adventures are allowed. The love contract is not based on exclusivity, allowing to experience many things. The problem here is to confront “the standard” and to manage jealousy.
– Poly-love: the principle is that we can be in love with several people at the same time. It could be funny to live with two women to sleep with them, and that they sleep together. More wages, more children, etc.
Knowing that ideally, we would live without conditioning and each couple would be unique and happy.
And you, what is your choice?
– The sexfriends ;
– The lovers ;
– The wedding ;
– PACS (a kind of strange wedding (but not exactly) in France) ;
– The open relationship;
– The punctual libertinism;
– Regular libertinism;
– Banging an ex or a married man;