October 27th 2014,
My therapy is in progress. It is an analysis + EMDR with a doctor in human sciences. It is rather long as work on yourself (from more than one month to several years). In any case much longer than a handjob by Megan Fox. The good news is I am not crazy, and that loving so much women (as well as making love to them) is not a pathology. It is even a way to sublimate my fears and to evacuate my stress, according to him.
It also seems that my Aura stopped being weak and transparent, it is now purple: thus at the energy level I’m much better.
It looks effective, the EMDR, my mother does it too (we try to heal without pills). I dunno if I have already spoken about it here or not but since this Spring, she didn’t go much out of her bed and drank 7 coffees a day to do… not much. While complaining about an intense fatigue. She has 4 or 5 sessions ahead of me and there she is finally cured of her depression, in mode “awww life is so beautiful we have to enjoy“. Awesome when you know that ten days ago, she got up only to eat and grumble. She had a click and feels much less oppressed in the morning in the awakening.
Well… I am not there now, I am still afraid of dying, it is irrational because I have nothing but well that is the way it is. More or less constantly, I say to myself that I am going to fall, that my strengths are going to abandon me (sudden death). And when I have a pain in the arm or in the breast, then there, it is the end of the world (symptoms of the infarct). But on the other hand when I feel absolutely nothing, I am afraid that my heart stops. I always anticipate the worst: I imagine to feel faint, to lose eyesight, to become handicaped, etc. In the end, up to here nothing of all this happened but these thoughts and this permanent osculation persist beyond the logic and exhaust me.
I am in a case of neurosis it is hard, but well it seems that I can heal. Furthermore, being neurotic guarantees me that I am not psychotic nor pervert thus it is rather reassuring (structures of the personality). There is always good things in bad things. And, by the way, everybody is neurotic. At some point.
In fact, I have physiologically nothing according to doctors but my spirit complicates things, and it creates some stress. The irony is it is this same stress that can make me sick for real, in the end. I don’t know how I put myself in this situation, so it is difficult to know how I am going to go out there… But I act now, I have stopped being my own victim, even if it still requires a permanent effort. Like, even if I am frightened to death, I makes few hours of sport abs, kicks, stretching (I have not gone back to tae kwon do yet).
I go to yoga too. I’ve found a really nice and inspiring teacher. She was cured of a multiple sclerosis thanks to yoga. This scerosis was due to an intense guilt due to the death of her sister, according to her, as well as to the fact that she really felt ill at ease. She also made a heart attack but death does seem to put under stress her more than. She tells me that it is just as when we change car and that anyway “whatever happens, happens“. Me I absolutely don’t wanna die especially because it would hurt those who stay and who love me (Virginie, my parents…) She also makes me Enelph massages with finish. There is just acupuncture I have not tried yet, but I had already gave it a try briefly few years ago. And that had not given much result.
I also cultivate the positive thought and I feed on healthy readings as “Le corps quantique” that speaks about the huge potential of cure of the human body and mind. But I remember also a lot of bad or negative things in all this: for example, what perturbs me is the only example of nocebo in the book: a guy who was so afraid of making an infarct that he thought about it all the time and eventually died from it while the doctors had found nothing. The yoga teacher also puts me under stress a little by saying that my ill-being can come from waves of mobiles or wifi… and that there is nothing we can do about it. Well, it’s really a mess in my head. I’ll finish paranoiac !!!
Well, big amelioration, on Saturday evening: we went out in Aix with Padawan. First night out since May, I guess. Thus it is a very good sign (as when a girl suggests you taking her back at her home to watch a movie): the phoenix is reborn from cyprine.
The story. I have Internet that works very very badly at the apartment then Padawan tried to fix it on Saturday evening but well … nothing to do. My access provider should send me a technician. I’m sick of it because I fell in love with the girl who plays in La crème de la crème (I could put her some cream everywhere) then I can’t wait to download the movie. I guess that her name is Alice Isaaz, and she is my new virtual darling (fuck she is naked in no movie).
When we had stopped crafting, it was already midnight then we said to ourselves that we would maybe do better to go to bed (ease for me). Well, at the same time, my purpose is to do my best to fight my fears thus I said that it would be good all the same to go at least a few minutes in town. Just going out, walking, getting a breath of fresh air. We did not move of the sofa for all that until I pronounce this mythical sentence “we never know on a misunderstanding we can come back with two girls each” and it made my buddy Bob the builder react.
With this, we went out to face the cold. We joined a little bit hastily a girl that Padawan tried to pick up on Tinder all summer, a Czech. He already went on 2 dates with her but no kiss yet and she began to send shitty messages like fake-lover who questions on the attraction she feels for him. Needs to say that she was formated well by French silly bitches “the French men are hot it is necessary to keep them waiting and doubting so that they respect you“. No comment !!!
But this evening, she was with 5 foreign friends. Among which one pure hottie the kind deserving to pose for a magazine, an east girl too. An English cutie. A tall brunette with blue eyes. One who would be attractive but a little bit fat. And a really fat one (poor girl).
I made a bad joke in French to say hello: very beautiful and English cutie burst out laughing. I saw them a little as the golden medal and the consolation prize. I asked them if they had understood my joke, they told me that no and they have burst out laughing again. OK. Then, there were a lot of EC + smiles + they looked down. And then, they spoke between them by looking at me. I said to myself “I certainly poked them and they are saying to themselves that I am a pervert, otherwise that would mean that they all like very much me but I do not think I am such a handsome boy all the same“. In mode Aix-en-Provence parano.
They wanted to go to the IPM (piss-smelling club for foreigners). I was pulled between the fear of going out and the desire to follow the ass of the very beautiful who walked in front of me. Taken by the Padawan’s enthusiasm, I followed the movement of the buttocks (hers not him). Needs to say that it was not bad this curve, even if her pants did not really emphasize her. They came in free of charge, normal, they are hot. The entry cost us 5 euros. What an injustice! About Padawan’s target, I do not understand what he likes with her : plump, very short hair like a flapper … To me, average but well he did not touch girls for several months (when I am not here he has no result, it is astounding this lack of initiative and this return of his nature of AFC when he is with his other buddies).
In the bar/club, they stayed between them in circle, in mode “a little bit wild”. Two beautiful blondes spent their time drinking (I had never seen that certainly the new fashion: a glass of alcohol and a glass of water at the same time) and to stare at me, so to speak. I tried to look cool by resting me against the bar and by maintaining their eye-contactss. But I was fucking put under stress inside. They came talking to Padawan (“why don’t you dance ?
– did you ever see James Bond dancing ?” and they avoided me. “Do I smell?” I wondered over the moment. I have a rather negative internal communication in fact, I realize it, certainly the repercussion of my anxiety attacks. Fortunately, after a while, I got lost in the music and I did not think any more about my heart. I relaxed and I was able to game more effectively.
The 6 foreigners then went to dance at the other end of the bar by leaving us alone between testicles as idiots. Mamadou Segpa would have said “OK fuck off“. Then at a given moment, the English cutie came speaking to me, to tell me a commonness “why don’t you dance ?
– did you ever see James Bond dancing ? No ? Then don’t break my balls” and there I put my hand on her shoulder. To answer the disinhibited question, she put her hand on my hip. We looked at each other in the eyes, I made the Cajun’s technique of body language (I’m translating his blog) : she liked very much it, the rosbeef girl (sorry but I eat no meat anymore). At the moment I said English-style “I find you funny” and I gave her a kiss on the cheek, she tried to turn to touch my mouth. I smiled with a naughty face and she asked me why I was smiling so foolishly by looking at her then I told her that bodies spoke much more than words and thus I started talking to her about the “good weather” while caressing her thigh. I then asked her to show me how they dance in her country: she acted like a pure stripper. That turned me on. I asked her if she was a jukebox: I pressed on her nose and she began singing. Later I made a bit of cold reading, manipulative I admit it “you are a shy girl
– but you know what you want
– and now what do you want ?” and she kissed me. She wanted to dance with me then I put my jacket in the cloakroom “It is to put my jacket, if it is not obvious.
– haha. Are you superstitious ?
– yes why ?
– ok you had the ticket number 666 but I give you the 667 then
– thank u bro.”
Then she told me that her friend and Padawan had gone one two dates but that there they acted as distant friends. I decided that we were going to help them to conclude. She briefed her friend and I grabbed her ass to pass the time (to the English). She returned towards me “someone just slaped my ass” I roared, then she understood that it was me. I said that I was going to make it up for her, took her head between my hands and approached her mouth then I removed myself at the last moment. She left like hurt. They are all so sensitive !
So I visited her friend, the kind of very hot perfect model coming out from a fashion magazine but dressed like my grandmother (it’s OK because she is a fucking hottie then that gives her a style). It is maybe the fashion in the Eastern countries to be 50 years behind us speaking about clothes. I’m not kidding, I have already noticed this phenomenon on VK ( the Russian FB). In brief, I told her “someone just slapped my ass” (private joke) and she did not laugh, she even pout. Then a guy tried to approach her and she rejected him, I commented “c’mon he is a famous French Pick Up Artist” she did not laugh either, she did not look at me any more in eyes and did not smile any more. “Ok fuck off“.
So I said the same thing to the English. That made her laugh, HER. Phew. Then I accused her of having been nasty with me by leaving like that and I asked her to make it up for me. She kissed me again and this time I warmed her well, kisses in the neck, wandering hands (“my hands are invisible nobody can see what I’m doing to you, you are the only one who can feel them” (I should do the same speech with my dick)), etc. At a given moment, I don’t know why, I said that I was going to teach her a French word and I taught her “navel” (in French : nombril) so I connected to her with my index in her navel by kissing her. She probably found it very weird. Well, she took advantage of it to touch my abs by saying “nombril ?”
We looked for her friend and Padawan who had disappeared. In the smoker corner, she sat then I sat on her as a child on his mom. I was maybe not a good idea because it is childish (not dominating alpha) but well, that made me laugh over the moment.
At a given moment, she told me she had to leave. I answered “fuck off“. And she left the party. Padawan has FINALLY kissed his girl in front of the club. It seems that she said like a fanatic with eyes of dogs in heat “grrrrrrrrrr it’s not enough for me I want more“. They nevertheless went to sleep to the hottie’s, and we were not even invited. Pff, what a waste, 4 frustrated people while it could have been zero instead.
Out of the club at 3 hours, arrived at my place at 3 hours. Long live the time change!
Well then, Padawan told me that his friend had revealed him that her 5 friends wondered which one was going to fuck me. I was in a way the prize and that makes my ego feel good. Modjo ! They apparently like very much the French young men who look serious with their shirt and their glasses. Good to know.
On my way back, I realized that I had forgotten to take the number of the English. But it doesn’t matter, I was especially disappointed to don’t have fucked hard the beautiful model because she wanted me at the beginning and then was hurt that I choose her friend (in fact it is rather her friend who chose me). Thus at the same time the other one moved her ass so she deserved it whereas the very beautiful wanted that I pay her a drink of champagne “to celebrate the end of my studies” (mine in addition eh not hers). Venal but well with such eyes: we forgive her. I shouted “karolinnnnnnnnnnn I love you” on my way back. I guess that it is the God of the Game who had put her on my road to tell me that it was time to make my comeback (and not my coming-out). I am disappointed because I have not believed enough in myself (while every time I see a hottie like that I should say to myself that there is always one guy who fuck her and that she has certainly banged an uglier guy than I yet, just like Alice Isaaz who kissed Kev Adams, certainly it was in a movie but yuck all the same).
Let’s remember the positive: I am proud of having gone out!
I hope that we will see them again (needs that Padawan game well his girl): I should then play hardly to have the one that I want but well am I not Cyprineman? The best pussylicker in the entire city?!
In fact it has been a long time since last time a girl had motivated me like that, she could enter directly my top 10. My libido is back. But do not make a mistake on my intentions, like Rico “I respect her yihaaaaaa“. I just want to see her naked and to ejaculate by admiring her so much she is hot. Like DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street, I do not think that I would hold for a long time the first time in her (but we never know). Besides that made me feel good to go out and realize that the danger is the others (we were all the same paintball shot in the middle of the street by some riffraff)… and not myself. I wonder why I am so much afraid of self-destruction. Certainly something that eats me from the inside (but still of the domain of the repressed unconscious). Some when they feel bad piss off the world, me that turns against myself. Not lucky !
Other things : I took my examination too, the one that enormously made me put under stress. Well, when you do up one year for 0.75 points and when play your future on 3 years hours without catching up (1 test), it is normal to don’t be serene. Well, that passed well, I think that this time it is good.
My sister-in-law is soon going to give birth also. That puts under stress me, I do not really know why. I feel it badly, this story. Certainly the responsibilities connected to the fact of being the godfather of the son of two irresponsible people…
May the God of the east girls be with us!